Late Bloomin'

I have always had a problem being an adult.  It wasn't a question of maturity per se, it was more being incredibly present tense minded. If there wasn't something that was immediately  apparent positive of negative it simply would not show up in my perception. My mind was stuck in a reactive state...there was nothing I was scared of or wanted so badly to register to make me pro-active. This had its disadvantages in an economic world of paychecks and credit checks, but it had tremendous advantages hard to relay in a world in paychecks and credit checks. An instant connection with everything that I could perceive. My moment to moment perception was sharp and my intuition rarely wrong. There was no past or future splitting my attention so I was able to connect to my surroundings in an intimate way that taught me a lot about people, beauty, and most of all spirituality.

All spiritual forces do not operate in the past or the future I have found. They are in directly experienced connections with the here and now. Savor a moment and you are unknowingly walking in the gardens of the divine. This secret that I stumbled on is probably one of the most treasured bits of wisdom I have uncovered. It instructs and shapes you and lights a fire that I am guessing will be helpful to overcoming one's past and future.

I was never afraid of my future...or really plagued by my past. I had this bumper sticker like line I used to giggle at due to its relevance to me. "I don't believe in miracles, I RELY on them." I just wasn't truly worried or had any desire for much enough to reach for or defend against anything. There were things I wanted to accomplish in a intellectual "That'd be cool." kind of way, but nothing that grabbed me and made itself a part of me. It made me an outsider of sorts. I wasn't a hedonistic immature kid, but I wasn't a responsible adult either.  I had insights into people and behavior exploded like northern lights in my mind. But nothing I could ever really build a life on. Just enough to be at the right place at the right time for somebody.  This may seem like a very incredible and weak existence, but it was not. The only real honest to God negative that affected me was since I didn't march to the same beat and my values, mores and interests didn't line up with my peers I was suspected of God knows what all on occasion. The imagined agendas attributed to me were not only off target but painted me as a carny two bit con man on a neutral day; as a priest of the otherworld on a good day; and as a dangerous malicious force of nature on the worst of days.

I have past the event horizon of that era of my life. I am now in another one that I am just now starting to feel out. I have a home.  I never expected to be so strongly attached to any concept, but it makes sense. I have really had no sense of belonging since my mid teens if then. Probably not since I was ten have I felt at home.  The boundaries of my existence are now enmeshed with providing for and protecting my space. Responsibility and forward thinking showed up in my character as two lieutenants reporting for duty, at my bemusement, and stress and anxiety snuck in their shadows to become apart of my internal makeup. But the fire that the divine present lit within me is still bright and strong...brighter now I have given it a task of creating my part of the world.

I still haven't got a handle on all this "adult" future oriented thinking...and I haven't left my ability to perceive my world internally and externally in the perpetual present.  But I am no longer set apart from this world and its experiments of property and belonging and place. I finally made my home here. I am home.